“Why do birds suddenly appear every time you're near? Why do stars fall down from the sky every time you walk by? Martin, please.” She reached out and held his hand in hers'. “I need to understand.”
The man pursed his lips then jerked his arm — releasing himself from the woman's gentle grasp. “Fine! You want the truth? Here's the truth.” He took a deep breath. “ Ten years ago I mistook a radioactive sunflower seed for a suppository. It — it changed me.”
“Whatever do you mean?”
“Darling, I'm Atomic Seed-Man.”
“The woman gasped. “You mean THE Atomic Seed-Man?” The woman took a step back. “All this time, I've been watching the news on the television, reading the newspaper. To think it was you all along, I had no ide—”
A star fell on the woman's head and knocked her out cold.
— Bastian Espada
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“We made a vow goddammit! We would be together until death did us apart.”
“Well then. There's only one thing to do, isn't there?” the sobbing woman said.
The man nodded in solemn agreement.
Three hours later, Death exited the man's room. Tired and dehydrated, Death reclined against the wall, drank a bit of water, fixed its cloak, then proceeded to the woman's chamber.
— Bastian Espada
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“I'm going to be a real boy!” Pinocchio said.
Bloody Wiz, the leader of The Real Boys, scratched his chin. “I'll be the judge of that.” He nodded to one of his bodyguards, who proceeded to pull out a .44 magnum, which he handed — grip first— to Pinocchio.
The puppet turned towards the back wall, and took aim.
“You don't have to do this. Please...” Geppetto said. “You're already a real boy inside!”
Pinocchio closed his eyes, a shot rang through the abandoned warehouse.
— Bastian Espada
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In the beginning, there was nothing. The great father-horse defecated, and from his manure the land came to be. He spat onto the ground, and created the seas. He urinated on the grasslands and the trees arose. Lastly, he vomited corn onto the world and the first people were born.
The descendants from those first vomit-people still exist today, they clap at the end of movies, finance political campaigns and pass others on the right.
— Bastian Espada
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“I'm a troubadour! I sing and dance wherever I go! Whatever your style, I'll make you smile. Do not fear— I'll bring you cheer. I promise my song will warm your heart. Tales of old and tales of time. Perk your ears and lift your veils! I'm a troubadour, yes sir I am!”
“Sir, this a Tibetan monastery. Now I don't know why you're here, why you felt the need to make this trek or why you think it's a good idea to stand here singing this fucking song, but you either shut up or I'll personally help the monks throw you off a cliff.”
— Bastian Espada
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“Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.” The girl pointed her finger at her grandmother.
Dad sighed. “Well, I suppose that's the way it is.”
“Indeed, it is.” Mom walked towards the elderly woman, grabbed her by the arm, and chucked her into the magma below.
— Bastian Espada
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“I'm a logologologist. I study the study of study.” The man pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “Decades of engaging in this practice have enabled me to acquire a level of comprehension of reality far beyond that of a normal human being.”
“Is that why you're in prison though?” the young man asked.
“Oh no, not at all. I tried kidnapping a drug-sniffing dog, didn't go as planned, ended up using the last bit of heroin I had left to calm it down, it worked but the dog died.”
— Bastian Espada
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“I really wish daddy hadn't stolen my birthday cake”
“And I really wish daddy hadn't stolen my heart!” The woman chuckled, then took a sip of her coffee.
“Mommy, why does daddy do things like that?”
The woman reached out and enveloped the girl's hands with hers. “Baby, sometimes it's difficult for us humans to understand why daddy's kind behave the way they do.”
— Bastian Espada
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The two most powerful men in the world stared at each other.
Their gazes both stabbed and burned — the table between them threatened its disintegration.
“So what's it going to be, submission or annihilation?”
“I choose the third option.” The man took a deep breath, then farted.
— Bastian Espada
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Flippy felt an urge to cry — her worst fear had come true.
Even though se couldn't understand hydrodynamics, she had no doubt that her unique condition — and the resultant lack of swimming speed— were the reason she couldn't stay among the pod.
She gave her family one last look, turned around and swam away.
That's how the first and only furry dolphin began the rest of her life in exile.
— Bastian Espada
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